Spring 2012
Dear Marv,
I guess
abruptly turning to talk of moving my job closer to you and moving in has
triggered a bunch of both practical and emotional concerns. I was feeling some
of this too. I do believe that creating this eight month period to let the dust
settle is a good idea. It changes things between us, and that makes me sad, but
it is the right thing to do—for both of us.
You know, I
am so used to living in unsettled circumstances that I don’t think much about
it anymore, even though my goal is to get to a settled situation. Our coming
together was a life-changer in so many ways. I have never felt so accepted and
cared for. For me such major changes began the day I met you and continued at
an incredible pace each day during all of this time. I have tried to keep you
up-to-date with what is going on inside me, much of which is obvious. Your
tolerance and patience allowed the changes going on inside to keep on going,
which has never happened before. In all my past situations a little resistance
would have just stopped everything in its tracks.
The trouble
is that profound changes just kept evolving. I had no idea where any of this
was leading. I just followed the internal cues. It just hasn’t, it seems, ended
up in a place that’s great for you. To put it most simply, I have discovered
that I am transgender, not just a crossdresser. I think you were able to follow
me all the way up to and including the crossdresser stage; but I also think I
lost you at that last step.
While you
are absolutely right that I will be better off with some time to experience or
at least be exposed to other relationships, it’s not likely to take place the
way you imagined. You see, I have really come to realize that I am not gay. I
am bisexual. My relationship with you blossomed because of the love and
tenderness that was you, not because you’re a guy. I have made you my glorious
exception—I have completely thrown myself into my relationship with you, and
it’s been fabulous. But I don’t think I’ll ever look for another guy. My feelings
are feminine. I desire to experience my body in a feminine way. While I can see
it as possible that I might hook up with a guy who accepts me in this feminine
way (as I hoped against hope you might be able to), it’s more likely that I’ll
want a woman as a partner, or another transgender person. These are the kind of
people I will be trying to meet.
None of
this is your fault. You did everything right and nothing wrong. It is just the
way it is. I understand completely that you are a man purely and simple
interested in other men, hopefully in a relationship like what we’ve had. No
one could have seen this change coming. But here it is, and you have come up
with a good way to deal with it.
I do
understand your issues (or most of them anyway). You want to be settled,
independent, have company in a loving relationship, and to share your remaining
time with a lot of adventurous shared activity. And, of course, not only do my
gender issues get in the way, but my ‘baggage’ does as well. I have to work;
right now I have to work at least one weekend; I have to see the kids two
weekends a month; I have to make payments to both family support and creditors.
I am pretty booked up without much that I can do about it. This doesn’t leave a
whole lot left over. I understand that as a long-term diet this won’t work for
you. I really appreciate your asking directly, so that I understand. I wish I
had more of what you want to give. I really do.
I think I
could have coasted on in our relationship the way it’s been for quite a while
longer. For me it was hectic, but it worked, and turned out to be quite stable.
But for you I have come to understand that it just doesn’t work. I’m sorry. You
have every right to want and to get what you really want, but I don’t think I
am the one who can give that to you. I am really grateful that you have forced
the issue in this way because I don’t think that continued drifting was good
for either of us.
I look
forward to seeing how it plays out. I’m grateful that we haven’t burned any
bridges. We have just become more realistic. You are, without a doubt, the best
person ever to have happened to my life thus far. For that you will always have
my love and appreciation.
Ever
fondly,
Colleen
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